ACTUAL CLAIM FORM QUOTES:
Coming home I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don´t have.
The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intention.
The pedestrian ran for the pavement, but I got him.
I thought my window was down, but I found it was up when I put my head through it.
I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way.
A truck backed through my windshield into my wife´s face.
The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him.
I saw two kangaroos having it off in the middle of the road. So I hit them, which caused me to ejaculate through the sunroof.
I pulled in to the side of the road because there was smoke coming from under the hood. I realized there was a fire in the engine, so I took my dog and smothered it with a blanket.
I left my car unattended for a minute, when by accident or design, it ran away.
I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law and headed over the embankment.
In an attempt to kill a fly I drove into a telephone pole.
I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I reached an intersection a hedge sprang up, obscuring my vision and I did not see the other car.
I misjudged a lady crossing the street.
The claimant had collided with a cow. The questions and answers on the claim form were:
Q: What warning was given by you?
A: Horn.
Q: What warning was given by the other party?
A: Moo.
I had been driving for forty years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident.
I was on the way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way causing me to have an accident.
The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intention.
As I approached an intersection a sign suddenly appeared in a place where no stop sign had ever appeared before. I was unable to stop in time to avoid the accident.
To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front I struck a pedestrian.
I ran into a shop window, and sustained injuries to my wife.
My car was legally parked as it backed into another vehicle.
An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished.
The indirect cause of this accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth.
I had one eye on a parked car, another on approaching lorries, and another on the woman behind.
On the 405 freeway, I moved from the centre lane to the fast lane but the other car didn´t give way.
I was going at about 70 or 80 mph when my girlfriend on the pillion reached over and grabbed my testicles so I lost control.
I didn´t think the speed limit applied after midnight.
Windscreen broken. Cause unknown. Probably voodoo.
We had completed the turn and had just straightened the car when Miss X put her foot down hard and headed for the ladies´ loo.
I knew the dog was possessive about the car but I would not have asked her to drive it if I had thought there was any risk.
I told the police that I was not injured, but on removing my hat found that I had a fractured skull.
I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the road when I struck him.
The pedestrian had no idea which way to run as I ran over him.
I saw the slow moving, sad-faced old gentleman as he bounced off my car.
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I was thrown from my car as it left the road. I was later found in a ditch by some stray cows.
The telephone pole was approaching. I was attempting to swerve out of the way when I struck the front end.
The car in front hit the pedestrian but he got up so I hit him again.
A pedestrian hit me and went under my car.
I saw her look at me twice. She appeared to be making slow progress when we met on impact.
When I saw I could not avoid a collision I stepped on the gas and crashed into the other car.
I started to slow down but the traffic was more stationary than I thought.
The accident occurred when I was attempting to bring my car out of a skid by steering it into the other vehicle.
I was backing my car out of the driveway in the usual manner, when it was struck by the other car in the same place it had been struck several times before.
I was unable to stop in time and my car crashed into the other vehicle. The driver and passengers then left immediately for a vacation with injuries.
The gentleman behind me struck me on the backside. He then went to rest in a bush with just his rear end showing.
The car in front of me stopped for a yellow light, so I had no choice but to hit him. (She pushed him through the intersection)
I blew my horn, but it would not work as it had been stolen.
I unfortunately ran over a pedestrian, and the old gentleman was taken to hospital, much regretting the circumstances.
A cow wandered into my car. I was afterwards informed that the cow was half-witted.
A bull was standing nearby, and a fly must have tickled him, as he gored my car.
She suddenly saw me, lost her head, and we met.
No witnesses would admit having seen the mishap until after it happened.
Mr. X is in hospital and says I can use his car and take his wife while he is there. What shall I do about it?
Q: Could either driver have done anything to avoid the accident?
A: Travelled by bus?
CLAIMS ADJUSTER & THE SKUNK
Q: What is the difference between a dead skunk lying in the road and a dead claims adjuster lying in the road?
A: There are skid marks in front of the skunk.
CLAIMS ADJUSTER AND SATAN
An agent died and was taken to his place of eternal torment by the devil. As he passed sulfurous pits and shrieking sinners, he saw a man he recognized as a claims adjuster making love to a beautiful woman.
"That's not fair," he complained. "I face torment for all eternity, and that adjuster gets to spend it making love to a beautiful woman!"
"Shut up!" barked the devil, jabbing the man with his pitchfork. "Who are you to question her punishment?"
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ACTUAL PATIENT´S CHARTS
A collection of documentation statements actually found on patient´s charts during a recent review of medical records. These statements were written by various health care professionals including (we are afraid) a doctor or two at several major hospitals:
- The baby was delivered, the cord clamped and cut and handed to the pediatrician, who breathed and cried immediately.
- Exam of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.
- The skin was moist and dry.
- Rectal exam revealed a normal size thyroid.
- She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life until 1989 when she got a divorce.
- The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane ran out of gas and crashed.
- I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.
- The patient lives at home with his mother, father, and pet turtle, who is presently enrolled in day care three times a week.
- Bleeding started in the rectal area and continued all the way to Los Angeles.
- She is numb from her toes down.
- The patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
- Exam of genitalia was completely negative except for the right foot.
- While in the emergency room, she was examined, X-rated and sent home.
- The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.
- The patient was to have a bowel resection. However he took a job as a stockbroker instead.
- Occasional, constant, infrequent headaches.
- Coming from Detroit, this man has no children.
- Examination reveals a well-developed male lying in bed with his family in no distress.
- Patient was alert and unresponsive.
- When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room.
- She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.
- Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
- On the second day the knee was better, and on the third day it disappeared.
- The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.
- The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.
- Discharge status: Alive but without my permission.
- Healthy appearing decrepit 69 year old male, mentally alert but forgetful.
- The patient refused autopsy.
- The patient has no previous history of suicides.
- Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.
- Patient´s medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.
- Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
- Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.
- The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.
- Skin: somewhat pale but present.
- The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.
- Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Blank, who felt we should sit on the abdomen and I agree.
- Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.
- Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.
THE BRICKLAYER´S INSURANCE CLAIM
Dear Sir:
I am writing in response to your request for additional information in Block #3 of the accident reporting form. I put "Poor Planning" as the cause of my accident. You asked for a fuller explanation and I trust the following details will be sufficient.
I am a bricklayer by trade. On the day of the accident, I was working alone on the roof of a new six-story building. When I completed my work, I found I had some bricks left over which when weighed later were found to weigh 240 lbs. Rather than carry the bricks down by hand, I decided to lower them in a barrel by using a pulley which was attached to the side of the building at the sixth floor. Securing the rope at ground level, I went up to the roof, swung the barrel out and loaded the bricks into it. Then I went down and untied the rope, holding it tightly to insure a slow descent of the 240 lbs of bricks. You will note on the accident reporting form that my weight is 135 lbs.
Due to my surprise at being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say, I proceeded at a rapid rate up the side of the building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel which was now proceeding downward at an equally impressive speed. This explains the fractured skull, minor abrasions and the broken collarbone, as listed in Section 3 of the accident reporting form. Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley which I mentioned in Paragraph 2 of this correspondence. Fortunately by this time I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold tightly to the rope, in spite of the excruciating pain I was now beginning to experience. At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of bricks hit the ground, and the bottom fell out of the barrel. Now devoid of the weight of the bricks, the barrel weighed approximately 50 lbs. I refer you again to my weight.
As you might imagine, I began a rapid descent down the side of the building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming up. This accounts for the two fractured ankles, broken tooth and severe lacerations of my legs and lower body. Here my luck began to change slightly. The encounter with the barrel seemed to slow me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell into the pile of bricks and fortunately only three vertebrae were cracked. I am sorry to report, however, as I lay there on the pile of bricks, in pain, unable to move and watching the empty barrel six stories above me, I again lost my composure and presence of mind and let go of the rope...
THINGS YOU DON´T WANT TO HEAR DURING SURGERY:
- "Accept this sacrifice, O Great Lord of Darkness"
- Bo! Bo! Come back with that! Bad Dog!
- Better save that. We´ll need it for the autopsy.
- Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what´s that?
- Hand me that... uh... that uh... thingie.
- Oh no! I just lost my Rolex.
- Oops! Hey, has anyone ever survived 500 ml of this stuff before?
- There go the lights again...
- Ya´ know... there´s big money in kidneys...and this guy´s got two of ´em.
- Everybody stand back! I lost my contact lens!
- Could you stop that thing from beating? It´s throwing my concentration off.
- What´s this doing here?
- I hate it when they´re missing stuff in here.
- That´s cool! Now can you make his leg twitch?!
- Well folks, this will be an experiment for all of us.
- Sterile, shcmerle. The floor´s clean, right?
- What do you mean he wasn´t in for a sex change?
- OK, now take a picture from this angle.
- This is truly a freak of nature.
- This patient has already had some kids, am I correct?
- Nurse, did this patient sign the organ donation card?
- Don´t worry. I think it is sharp enough.
- What do you mean, "You want a divorce"!
- FIRE! FIRE! Everyone get out!
- Rats! Page 47 of the manual is missing!
- Isn´t this the one with the really lousy insurance?
KEEP IGNORAMUSES OUT OF MEDICAL SCHOOL
As a premed student at Washington University in St. Louis, I had to take a difficult class in physics. One day our professor was discussing a particularly complicated concept. A student rudely interrupted to ask "Why do we have to learn this stuff?"
"To save lives." the professor responded quickly and continued the lecture.
A few minutes later, the same student spoke up again. "So how does physics save lives?" he persisted.
"It keeps the ignoramuses out of medical school," replied the professor.
VASECTOMY POEM
Happy Vasectomy!
Hope you feel zippy!
´Cause when I got one
I felt real snippy.
PSYCHOLOGIST LOOKS OLD
Two psychologists meet at their twentieth college reunion. One of them looks like he just graduated, while the other psychologist looks old, worried and withered.
The older looking one asks the other, "What's your secret? Listening to other people's problems every day, all day long, for years on end, has made an old man of me."
The younger looking one replies, "Who listens?"
THINKING ABOUT GETTING A VASECTOMY
One day, after a man had his annual physical, the doctor came out and said, "You had a great checkup. Is there anything that you´d like to talk about or ask me?"
"Well," he said, "I was thinking about getting a vasectomy."
"That´s a pretty big decision. Have you talked it over with your family?"
"Yeah, and they´re in favor 15 to 2."
RODNEY DANGERFIELD QUOTE
"With my doctor, I don´t get no respect. I told him I want a vasectomy.
He said with a face like mine, I don´t need one." -- Rodney Dangerfield
VASECTOMY AFFECTS YOUR MASCULINITY
They say a vasectomy doesn´t affect your masculinity. So how come they give you Playboy on the way in and Good Housekeeping on the way out?
GEORGE FOREMAN QUOTE
"The question isn't at what age I want to retire, it's at what income." (George Foreman)
CARING WIFE
A man and wife were sitting in the living room and he said to her, "Just so you know, I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug."
So his wife, unplugged the TV and threw out all his beer.
PUT YOUR EAR TO THE WALL
I was walking down the hallway in a local mental institution and saw a patient with his ear pressed hard against the wall. I asked him "What are you listening to?"
He said "Put your ear to the wall and you will hear it too."
So I did and after a long time I remarked "I don´t hear anything."
He exclaimed "I know...it´s been like that all day!"
INSURANCE DEBATE
The American Medical Association has weighed in on National Health Insurance...
The Allergists voted to scratch it, but the Dermatologists advised not to make any rash moves.
The Gastroenterologists had sort of a gut feeling about it, but the Neurologists thought the Administration had a lot of nerve.
The Obstetricians felt they were all laboring under a misconception. Ophthalmologists considered the idea shortsighted.
Pathologists yelled, "Over my dead body!" while the Pediatricians said, 'Oh, Grow up!' The Psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness, while the Radiologists could see right through it.
Surgeons decided to wash their hands of the whole thing. The Internists thought it was a bitter pill to swallow, and the Plastic Surgeons said, "This puts a whole new face on the matter."
The Podiatrists thought it was a step forward, but the Urologists were pissed off at the whole idea.
The Anesthesiologists thought the whole idea was a gas, and the Cardiologists didn't have the heart to say no.
In the end, the Proctologists won out, leaving the entire decision up to the assholes in Washington.
13....13....13
I was walking past the mental hospital the other day, and all the patients were shouting,
´13....13....13.´
The fence was too high to see over, but I saw a little gap in the planks, so I looked through to see what was going on.....
Some bastard poked me in the eye with a stick!
Then they all started shouting ´14....14....14´..
JIM SAVED BRIAN FROM DROWNING
Jim and Brian were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly dove into the deep end. He sunk to the bottom and stayed there.
Brian promptly jumped in to save him. He swam to the bottom of the pool and pulled Jim out. The Medical Director came to know of Brian's heroic act. He immediately ordered that Brian be discharged from the mental hospital as he considered him to be okay.
The doctor told Brian, "We have good news and bad news for you, Brian! The good news is that we are going to discharge you because you have regained your senses. Since you were able to jump in and save another patient you must be mentally stable. The bad news is that the patient whom you saved, Mr. Jim, hung himself in the bathroom, and died".
Brian replied, "Doctor he didn't hang himself, I hung him there to dry".
WHEN YOU´RE OVER 65...
1. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.
2. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.
3. No one expects you to run into a burning building.
4. People call at 9 p.m. and ask, "Did I wake you?"
5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
6. There´s nothing left to learn the hard way.
7. Things you buy now won´t wear out.
8. You can eat dinner at 4 p.m.
9. You enjoy hearing about other people´s operations.
10. You get into a heated argument about pension plans.
11. You have a party and the neighbors don´t even realize it.
12. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
13. You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.
14. You sing along with the elevator music.
15. Your eyes won´t get much worse.
16. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.
17. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the National Weather Service.
18. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can´t remember them either.
19. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to a manageable size.
20. Life insurance agents no longer call you.
YOU MIGHT BE IN THE HEALTH CARE FIELD IF:
- Discussing dismemberment over a gourmet meal is perfectly normal to you.
- You find humor in other people's stupidity.
- You believe in serial spraying of Prozac.
- Your idea of comforting a child is placing him in a papoose restraint.
- You believe that "Shallow Gene Pool" should be a diagnosis.
- You believe that the government should require a permit to reproduce.
- You think unspeakable evil will befall you if anyone says: "Boy, it sure is quiet around here."
- When you are out in public, you compliment complete strangers on their veins.
- You have ever wanted to hold a seminar entitled: "Suicide - Getting It Right The First Time."
- You have ever had to leave a patient's room before laughing hysterically.
- You think caffeine should be available in IV form.
- You have ever restrained someone, and it was not a sexual experience.
- You commonly utter the phrase: "What changed tonight at 2am that made this an emergency after 6 months?!"
- You believe that "Too Stupid To Live" should be a diagnosis.
- You think putting a Valium salt lick in the ER waiting room is a novel idea.
- When you mention vegetables, you are not thinking of a food group.
- You have been exposed to so many x-rays you don't even bother with birth control.
- You have heard, "Why, I don't know how that got stuck there" too many times.
- You have used the words "Healthcare Reform" to strike fear in the hearts of your co-workers.
TEN SIGNS YOU NEED A REALLY LONG VACATION
- You lecture the neighborhood kids selling lemonade on ways to improve their process.
- You get all excited when it´s Saturday so you can wear sweats to work.
- You refer to the tomatoes grown in your garden as deliverables.
- You find you really need PowerPoint to explain what you do for a living.
- You normally eat out of vending machines and at the most expensive restaurant in town within the same week.
- You think that "progressing an action plan" and "calendarizing a project" are acceptable English phrases.
- You know the people at the airport hotels better than your next door neighbors.
- You ask your friends to "think out of the box" when making Friday night plans.
- You think Einstein would have been more effective had he put his ideas into a matrix.
- You think a "half-day" means leaving at 5 o´clock.
TEN WAYS TO KNOW IF YOU HAVE "ESTROGEN ISSUES"
- Everyone around you has an attitude problem.
- You´re adding chocolate chips to your cheese omelet
- The dryer has shrunk every last pair of your jeans.
- Your husband is suddenly agreeing to everything you say.
- You´re using your cellular phone to dial up every bumper sticker that says "How´s my driving-call 1-800-***-."
- Everyone´s head looks like an invitation to batting practice.
- You´re convinced there´s a God and he´s male.
- You can´t believe they don´t make a tampon bigger than Super Plus.
- You´re sure that everyone is scheming to drive you crazy.
- The ibuprofen bottle is empty and you bought it yesterday.
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WACKY MEDICAL DEFINITIONS
* Benign: What you be after you be eight.
* Artery: The study of paintings.
* Bacteria: Back door to cafeteria.
* Barium: What doctors do when patients die.
* Cesarean Section: .A neighborhood in Rome.
* Catscan: Searching for kitty.
* Cauterize: Made eye contact with her.
* Colic: A sheep dog.
* Coma: A punctuation mark.
* D & C: Where Washington is.
* Dilate: To live long.
* Enema: Not a friend.
* Fester: Quicker than someone else.
* Fibula: A small lie.
* Genital: Non-Jewish person.
* G.I. Series: World Series of military baseball.
* Hangnail: What you hang your coat on.
* Impotent: Distinguished, well known.
* Labor Pain: Getting hurt at work.
* Medical Staff: A Doctor's cane.
* Morbid: A higher offer than I bid.
* Nitrates: Cheaper than day.
* Node: Was aware of.
* Outpatient: A person who has fainted.
* Pap Smear: A fatherhood test.
* Pelvis: Second cousin to Elvis.
* Post Operative: A letter carrier.
* Recovery Room: Place to do upholstery.
* Rectum: Darn near killed him.
* Secretion: Hiding something.
* Seizure: Roman emperor.
* Tablet: A small table.
* Terminal Illness: Getting sick at the airport.
* Tumor: More than one.
* Urine: Opposite of you're out.
* Varicose: Nearby, close by.
* Vein: Conceited
I´M FINE, THANK YOU!
There is nothing the matter with me.
I´m as healthy as I can be.
I have arthritis in both of my knees
and when I talk, I talk with a wheeze.
My pulse is weak, and my blood is thin.
But I´m awfully well for the shape I´m in.
Arch supports I have for my feet,
Or I wouldn´t be able to be on the street,
Sleep is denied me night after night´
But every morning I find I´m all right.
My memory is failing, my head´s in a spin.
But I´m awfully well for the shape I´m in.
Old age is golden I´ve heard it said
But sometimes I wonder as I get into bed.
With my ears in a drawer, my teeth in a cup,
My eyes on the table until I wake up.
Ere sleep overtake me, I say to myself,
"Is there anything else I could lay on the shelf?
I get up each morning and dust off my wits
And pick up the paper and read the "Obits",
If my name is still missing I know I´m not dead,
So I have a good breakfast and go back to bed.
The moral is this as my tale I unfold...
That for you and me who are growing old,
It´s better to say "I´m fine" with a grin
Than to let folks know the shape we are in.
AESOP´S FABLES: THE ANT AND THE GRASSHOPPER
In a field one summer's day a Grasshopper was hopping about, chirping and singing to its heart's content. An Ant passed by, bearing along with great toil an ear of corn he was taking to the nest.
"Why not come and chat with me," said the Grasshopper, "instead of toiling and moiling in that way?"
"I am helping to lay up food for the winter," said the Ant, "and recommend you to do the same."
"Why bother about winter?" said the Grasshopper; "We have got plenty of food at present." But the Ant went on its way and continued its toil. When the winter came the Grasshopper had no food and found itself dying of hunger, while it saw the ants distributing every day corn and grain from the stores they had collected in the summer.
Then the Grasshopper knew: It is best to prepare for the days of necessity.
YOU CAN BE YOUNG WITHOUT MONEY
| "Remember, you can be young without money, but you can´t be old without it!" |
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Current statistics state that of 100 men who retire at age 65: 1 will be wealthy 4 will be financially independent 15 will have some savings 80 will retire poor, flat broke living only on a pension, social security and charity. Start today to build your retirement fund!!! |